Why doesn't everyone fall apart after an affair?
Why can two people react differently to the same event? Why did Jane Doe say “screw you!” when her partner cheated and left, and I fell apart, begging him to come back? Why is loss so devastating for some and not so much for others?
There are lots of reasons. This post will look at the big picture first, the larger context of what is going on at any given moment, or the size of our box.
How I experience my world depends on the size of my box, along with what life puts in there. When I have a little box, I can handle little things. When I have a big box, I can fit big things in. But when my box is small, and life drops a big event in there, my box falls apart. I can’t cope.
What makes a box big or small? Lots of things. How well I slept last night, if I’m hangry or not, having close supportive family or friends, whether or not I love my job and so on. I can’t control everything that influences my box, but the good news is, I can do things to make my box bigger.
I can sleep well, eat a healthy diet and exercise to be in good physical condition. I can learn to meditate, use deep breathing and affirmations. I can nurture my relationships, get a pet dog, or talk to a therapist.
I can also examine the thoughts and meanings that make what life brings look and feel big…or not.
When my husband had an affair, I had a pretty small box. Although I was physically healthy, had good friends, exercised and ate well, I also had low self esteem, was constantly feeling anxious, not good enough, like a bad wife. Learning he was cheating just barely fit in my box, but I managed. And then my daughter died, and he left. Boom. My box exploded. I couldn't hold all that.
I didn’t realize at the time, but part of what made my box so small was just a perception. The meaning of why he cheated. The beliefs in our heart can make a huge difference in the size of our box. More on that later.
There are lots of factors that help us increase the size of our box to make us more resilient. But right now, if your life is too much for your box to hold, please remember it’s not your fault.
Be kind to yourself. And put some of your stuff in my box, I’ll hold it for you. And we’ll go find a bigger box together. You don’t have to do this alone.
If you’re struggling here are some resources to help.
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