Is it normal to feel sad every day? Your guide to complicated grief
We often associate grief with death. Grief, however, is really about any kind of loss. It could be a loved one, like a human or pet. It could also be the loss of a job, good health, an opportunity, a relationship, etc.
We grieve something we used to have that we no longer have, and we have to “get over it.”
We may know it makes sense to feel sad when we lose something important, but we often don’t allow ourselves to feel as sad as we might actually need to. Our society often tells us “don’t cry” or “move on” or even judge us that it’s taking too long to “get over it.” We often get the message that “something is wrong” if we are grieving too long.
Why is it taking me so long to get over this?
Something important to notice, however, is that complicated grief is not clinically defined by how long it takes to not feel sad any more. A key factor in complicated grief is how feeling sad affects our day to day life. Feeling sad itself is not always the problem. Sometimes it’s how we cope with it.
If I tell myself I shouldn’t be sad, there’s something wrong with me, and judge my reaction or how long I feel sad for, I start to make it worse. I’m already sad, now I tell myself I shouldn’t be, so I feel bad about myself, which makes me more sad, more frustrated that I’m not better, and I create a negative self reinforcing cycle.
This negative cycle is what keeps us “stuck” in the same place with our grief - because we’re not allowing ourselves to process our sadness in a way that helps us cope.
My child died years ago. I am still sad. Is that okay?
As someone who lost a daughter, I still feel sad 12 years later. I still cry from time to time. I still miss her. That sadness, however, does not impact my day to day functioning in a way that debilitates me.
I have accepted that I will probably always feel sad about her death. I loved her deeply, why would that sadness ever go away?
If I can accept that loss hurts, feeling sad is human, and there’s nothing wrong with me, it might not make the sadness go away, but maybe that’s a first step in healing.
It’s time to let go of the idea that feeling sad is a bad thing, or something you shouldn’t feel ever again, after a loss. If you’re having a hard time “getting over” a loss, there is something there to be compassionately explored, but it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you.
Please see my other resources as I explore why we sometimes get stuck:
The best way out of grief is through
Why am I impacted by this loss more than someone else in the same situation?