What's The Difference Between an Expectation and a Hope?
We often use the words “expect” and “hope” interchangeably. Both describe beliefs about the future.
An expectation, however, is a strong belief that things will be or should be a certain way, and an attachment to the outcome. A hope is a desire for an outcome, a wish with some uncertainty about what will actually transpire. We cling to expectations, and hold loosely to hopes.
The key difference here is the attachment to the outcome. When we have an expectation, we’re basing our emotions on whether that outcome happens. We’re so strongly connected to it that it holds additional weight for us.
How Do I Know If I Have an Expectation or a Hope?
Do you have a belief and you aren’t sure if you’re expecting or hoping? Hold that belief, we’ll come back to it. Let’s first explore how hopes and expectations feel in our body in general.
I am going to take you through a reflection exercise. Please note that uncomfortable feelings can arise, and this might not be easy. Please pay attention to your reactions, and if it’s getting too hard, please don’t engage any further. Step back, take a break if you want. This exercise may be therapeutic, but it’s not a substitute for professional therapy. If you want help to go through it with a professional, please do.
Starting with hope: I invite you to pick a small and simple hope that doesn’t have a lot of emotions associated with it. Pick something you already know may not happen, and that isn’t too big of a deal. For example, I hope I win the lottery someday, or the weather forecast for tomorrow changes from rain to sunshine.
Sit with this hope for a few minutes, and pay attention to how your body feels. Notice your chest, throat or stomach. What are the sensations there? Perhaps a bit of energy or nervousness in the desire, maybe some stillness in the unknowing, maybe excitement, or solidness? There are no right or wrong answers. Just notice. How calm or anxious are you? Give yourself a rating from 0 (as calm as you’ve ever been) to 10 (full on panic). Record that number before you move on.
Next, let’s look at expectations. Pick something you are expecting that is very clear and that you are quite certain about, but simple and small. Examples could be I expect my Wi-Fi will work all day, or that my car will turn on when I start it.
Notice how your body feels about these expectations. The sensations in your stomach, throat, or chest. Maybe there’s a groundedness, a confidence or a certainty, calmness? We trust these things will happen. Again, rate your calmness or anxiety from 0 (completely calm) to 10 (panic), and then keep reading.
Let’s turn back to hope. Remember the hope you identified a few moments ago? Let’s pretend the thing you hoped for didn’t happen. The lottery numbers were announced, they are not yours. It is tomorrow, and it’s pouring rain.
Sit with that reality, and notice your body. What does it feel like now? How have the sensations changed? Perhaps there’s some disappointment or sadness, maybe some grief or emptiness. Maybe not. Notice the intensity of what you feel, and what you want to say or do next. Maybe it’s an “oh well…” I imagine it may not feel pleasant, but perhaps not intense either. Give yourself a rating from 0 to 10 and notice how it compares to when you first thought about hope. If it was only a hope, it probably isn’t too hard to let go and move on from here.
But when it comes to expectations - let’s see how that might be different for you. Recall the expectation you chose. We’re now going to pretend that expectation is not being met. Your Wi-Fi just crashed and it won’t come back on for days. You go to turn on your car and nothing happens, the engine is dead.
Imagine what you expected is not happening. Stay there, and notice how your body feels. Frustration? Panic? Anger? What is your rating now? How does it compare to all the others you recorded?
Chances are, not having expectations met creates a more intense emotional experience than not having a hope come true.
If you are not sure if you are hoping or expecting something, try this exercise and see how your body responds. Perhaps it will help you get clearer.
Does It Make a Difference if I Have an Expectation or a Hope?
If you learn that you have an expectation that you want to turn into a hope, stay tuned. I’ll be talking about that next!
In the meantime, feel free to join me in the Facebook Group to help you overcome feelings of grief and loss - and get the support to know you’re never alone in your journey.