When we are no longer able to change a situation - we are challenged to change ourselves. Victor Frankl
Life happens. More importantly, sh!t happens. And sometimes that sh!t is beyond our control. My partner chose to seek solace in another woman as our daughter died. I could easily simplify the situation and say his turning elsewhere had nothing to do with me. And to some extent that is true...his choice to go outside our marriage was his own decision; there were other less hurtful options. At the same time, I could examine the state of our marriage and how I contributed to the space (or lack of space) that influenced him to seek comfort elsewhere. I want to be clear that so called "bad marriages" don't cause affairs. As Frank Pittman states, “bad marriages don’t cause infidelity; infidelity causes bad marriages.” Simultaneously, I wanted to take my ex-husband’s actions as an opportunity to ask myself if there was anything I could learn from this, anything about the way I show up in relationships that could change and benefit me and possible future partners? Minimally, I could learn what it was about me that chose someone with his capacity to have an affair. Beyond that, I could challenge myself to examine how I handled connection, intimacy, authenticity, showing up and asserting my needs, making space for discomfort and my ability to "rumble" with my partner (as Brene Brown calls it). I learned our connection could have been much more honest, I wasn't fully showing up in all my naked vulnerability. He probably wasn't either, and we never learned how in the duration of our marriage. What that meant to me was learning how to do that, to change myself so the next relationship I had would be spectacularly different from my marriage. I couldn't change the situation, but I made the decision to change myself. I wasn't perfect, and here was an opportunity I could take to improve myself.