Why making sense of the affair makes sense

The thought of being in another relationship after my husband left terrified me. How could I protect myself from ever letting this happen again? I didn't think I could bear the pain of betrayal a second time. I wondered how others were able to trust again and move on, and actually have a successful thriving relationship. I realized that in order to feel safe in the future, I had to understand why this happened to begin with. If I could make sense of why it happened, I could, to some extent, recognize the risk factors and reduce the chances of being in the same situation. If I could understand how I contributed to a vulnerable relationship, then I could change and provide my share of co-creating a safer connection with my partner.

More importantly, if I could understand what was it about my husband that contributed to his choice to betray me, then I could be cautious in selecting a new partner who was different and coped with life differently. I could be more likely of consciously choosing a partner who had less risk of participating in an affair. Making sense of the affair, as painful and reflective of a process as that may be, makes sense. It was the way to reassurance, comfort and security; I could do my best to protect myself from further harm, and that seemed like a wise decision.

The other thing I realized, is that my default reason for my husband's affair was that somehow I was at fault, I was deficient. When I held on to that reason, I caused myself unnecessary pain because it was simply false. I didn't cause the affair, and as long as I held on to that as a reason, I was suffering. Exploring and connecting with a real reason for infidelity didn't make the pain go away, but it reduced the pain caused by false assumptions.

If you find yourself blaming yourself for the affair, I urge you to explore the real reasons why affairs happen. Understanding the vulnerabilities that lead to infidelity can be empowering and healing

Photo by Gabriel Crismariu on Unsplash